F1 Satire

Mosley is no Tommy Lee Jones, says court

Off-camera, ET reaches out to his new friend

Max Mosley has lost his bid to have people’s memories wiped if unsavoury personal information is published by tabloid newspapers.

Mosley, 71, got the idea whilst watching Men in Black with his grandson during this year’s European grand prix, and sought a court order in California that would have forced Amblin Entertainment to hand over the technical specifications of the neuralyzer, a device that uses a burst of light to erase subjects’ memories, on the basis that not doing so would infringe his human rights.

Mosley, 71, was memorably caught with his trousers down in 2008 when he was snapped by News of the World reporter Neville Thurlbeck whilst visiting prostitutes in London.

He has since embarked on a campaign of suing everyone involved with the story, including anyone who helped to publish it, anyone who printed it, anyone who read it, anyone who thought about reading it, anyone who gasped in disbelief when they heard about it, and any cats that may have had their carrying cases lined with the pages containing the story. He has just returned from France, the 34th destination on his whistle-stop litigation tour of Europe, where he won the right to have a court tell the press that his private life had been invaded.

Despite this ruling, there still remains the fact that pretty much everybody in the civilized world knows that he likes to have his skinny septuagenarian arse thrashed with leather whips whilst prostitutes shout military orders at him, and no amount of suit-clad courthouse appearances are going to erase that spine-chilling image from the public memory.

Today’s ruling ensures that, for the time being, that scenario is unlikely to change, leaving Mosley to turn to other cinematic aliens such as ET in his bid to be rid of his demons.

An Amblin spokesman said, ‘We are glad we don’t have to hand over our plans to this old pervert, whoever he is, but rest assured that if we had lost we would have just used it on him so that he would have forgotten that he sued us in the first place.’

The (Pri)X Factor: Cowell to find the next F1 star?

Simon has a chat with Lewis for the first time

With ratings plummeting for the X Factor in the UK, Simon Cowell is believed to be considering moving into fresher pastures as he attempts to market a ‘totally original talent show’ which will in absolutely no way be based on the clapped-out format he has been hawking around for the last ten years.

An ITV insider claims that Cowell has approached Bernie Ecclestone to propose a new series, ‘Prix School,’ but first needs to gain membership of the exclusive Auto (as in autocrat, not automobile) Club, based in Mayfair, to be able to talk with him in private. Cowell fancies his chances of being shown the secret handshake following a vacancy being created by the demise of a member, an elderly Libyan gentleman, last week.

Although he professes to have no knowledge of, or interest in, motorsport, such ignorance didn’t hinder him when it came to music. He admits the idea was inspired by fellow US X Factor judge Nicole Sherzinger, who suggested (before she got sick of him) that beau Lewis Hamilton’s clean-cut looks and willingness to be manipulated by faceless corporations would have made him the undoubted winner of such a show had it existed when he was an up-and-coming novice. The idea gained momentum when Cowell mentioned it to Simon Fuller, his former Pop Idol accomplice and now Hamilton’s manager, and a pilot was secretly filmed at Shepperton Studios during the week of the British Grand Prix, using the current drivers.

Sob stories

Hamilton was perfect on screen, reducing the four judges to tears as he told them of wanting to be loved by the press and how he terrible he felt at being forced to sack his father after all he’d done for him.

Bruno Senna was next up, but the producers felt his tale of losing both his father and his legendary uncle before he was twelve years old was ‘too mawkish’ and were also highly irritated by his refusal to cry like a girl on screen, even when they played sad music at him through a big speaker.

‘Mentally deficient’ contestants

If the show were to go ahead, the contestants would be recruited in the usual manner by flocking in their hundreds to giant arenas, where they will be expected to drive a go-kart around a makeshift track as quickly possible. Clips of the elderly and the mentally fragile navigating the circuit the wrong way very slowly, accompanied by the music from Steptoe and Son, will be given credence over footage of the more talented pilots in order to elicit maximum sadism from the viewing public.

Meanwhile in the background some good-looking, bland and forgettable drivers with a penchant for jewellery, vertical hair and silly trousers will work their way through a series of increasingly more difficult race tracks each week while Louis Walsh shouts irrelevant, wide-eyed platitudes at them.

The season finale, held the week before Christmas, sees the lucky final five compete for the chance to test for the team most perfectly suited to someone introduced to the sport by this route – McLaren.

EDIT: Perhaps not as ridiculous as I would have liked to have made out: see this article on the BBC website.

Paul & Jaime want to drive in first practice too, not just di Resta the time

The smile drops from Paul's face as he remembers that fateful day

Jaime Alguersuari has joined Paul di Resta in criticising the use of reserve drivers for Friday practice sessions, saying that his race weekends are being compromised by the lack of preparation time and he doesn’t like his seat being warm when he gets his car back.

Frenchman Jean-Eric Vergne was given the young Spaniard’s Toro Rosso for the first free practice session at Yeongam earlier today and didn’t disgrace himself, finishing 13th on the timesheets by the end of the soaking wet session.

When the rookie returned the number 19 car to the pits, a disgruntled Alguersuari was dismayed to find that not only had his seat been moved, but Vergne had also changed the presets on his radio, dropped crisp crumbs everywhere, left a half-sucked cola-flavoured lolly stuck to his brake-bias lever and not bothered to stick in a fiver’s worth of petrol as promised.

Alguersuari’s chagrin was said to be the reason behind his clash with Nico Rosberg at the start of PF2, as he was trying to re-tune Phat Beatz FM as he exited the pits and didn’t have a chance to spot the out-of-control Mercedes.

He is not alone. Several times this season, Scot di Resta has also been obliged to pick his nose on the sidelines whilst Nico Hulkenburg is given a go in his car, and the 25-year-old isn’t happy about it.

He claims the scenario reminds him of being a child, when his father asked him to give his younger brother a go in his Kettler pedal-kart. Di Resta Minor rode it straight through some faecal matter deposited by the family dog Sandy, which played havoc with the right rear wheel’s ball bearings from then on. Paul is still bitter about this incident and reckons car-swapping in Formula One is the same in principle. He has conveniently decided to overlook the fact that he was given exactly the same opportunities himself last year.

Classic Rev

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